Believers and non-believers. It is the age old battle between God and Satan, good and evil. I mean not to imply that non-believers are the devil incarnate nor do I make any claim that believers are living saints. God's children do works in His name. It is not a secret. They are open and forthright about it. Those that are doing Satan's bidding however are shrouded in secrecy. They make no claim to doing the devil's work. If they are confronted they will act as though you are crazy. This is what is so insidious about Satan. He cannot make his mission known or he will surely lose his flock.

Just for the sake of argument let's establish a scenario. There is no God, no Satan, no heaven and no hell. We are simply the product of years of evolution born out of a cloud of hydrogen or some pool of bubbling muck. I wonder where the cloud of hydrogen or the pool of muck came from? But I digress. This scenario is just begging for hope. There seems to be none. In the end the lives of those that believe and the lives of those that do not believe will just end and no one will know the difference. On top of that no one's life and death has been impacted in any way. You are born, you die. That which comes in between seems to matter very little.

Now if we flip that scenario we will see that there is great danger for a portion of the population. I guess the bottom line is this. If you are a non-believer and you are right then religion and God can have no impact on your eternal life. This will also have no affect on the believers either. You will both live different lives that is all. If as a non-believer you are wrong, then the ramifications are tremendous and certainly not worth the risk. It serves no purpose if your words express a value for life, but your actions risk losing eternal life. Now I will not believe.

A man once told me that exposing my children to God was tantamount to child abuse and I was not fit to be a parent. By exposing my children I have done no harm, only good. By not exposing them I could not have lived with the harm I could have caused. They can make their own choice but I must provide them those choices.

I talked to God today. I have talked to him on a daily basis now for several weeks. I used to talk to him many years ago but I always thought he wasn't listening. I would ask for this and I would ask for that, but I never got those things I asked for. I kept waiting for some resounding words to fill my head. Just something to let me know he was there. I never heard any words.

It was not long ago that I finally decided I would try again. Only this time I asked only for understanding. Once I figured out the mind was not God's point of entry and opened my heart to him, it was then that I knew Him. I knew he was there, is here. He is listening. He helped me understand something that was weighing very heavy on my heart. Most all of us want to live forever and of course we want our loved ones to enjoy that same immortality. We know that is not going to happen. It can be so devastating to lose a loved one, but equally hard is the thought of losing a dear friend. I have such friends. I have contemplated how I will handle losing them some day because I know I will lose some of them before I myself go. And go I will. God helped me to understand why I need not worry about his children when they go. As for my own grief it will be mixed with happiness because I will know they are with Him and waiting for me to come home. And the reunion will be divine.

I have been told that I am wrong, about God that is. Some have even accused me of being insane because I believe in Him. I like to think of it as being crazy. Crazy about God. He is my savior and I will never deny Him again. Life is precious to me but it pales in comparison to my salvation.

My sins are forgiven. Yes they still happened, but they only have meaning when judging me as a man of this world. He has forgiven me and I now live my life, not in perfection, but striving each day to shed my past and live as God wants me to live. I never thought I could do this. I did not think myself worthy. God knew I was struggling and he sent his messenger to guide me, just that little nudge that I needed to make the effort one more time. I made it this time. I will forever carry that messenger in my heart. Without this person I might never have tried and I know God knew that when he put us together.

Life is good but the best is yet to come.

Have you talked to God today?

Do you suppose that if you polled a thousand people on "What does friendship mean to you?" that you would get the same answer from everyone? I would bet that while there may be some differences in the responses you could almost count on way more similarities. What is it about friendship that makes it possess universal qualities? Is it because of its close proximity to love? I love my wife, that is one thing. I love my children, that is another. I love my sisters, still another. Do I have friends I love? Sure I do. I have friends that I hold so dear to my heart that they might as well be my family. In a way they are.

I have a new family. No, I did not get rid of the one I already have. I just expanded a bit. I wrote in an earlier post about a forum I joined recently, the CLL Forum. I have never in my life seen so many wonderful people in one place. There are men and women, CLLers and caregivers, Republicans and Democrats, liberals and conservatives, older folks and younger folks, religious and not so religious and brown, black, and white. Not one of these differences means anything because each and every one of them has a common thread that binds them to the others. 900+ people all sharing their lives with one another. Most have never met, not in person. A few here and there have had opportunities to meet but it is far more rare than it should be.

I also wrote something in an earlier post regarding faith and the fact that I was unsure if I possessed faith in my fellow man. As it turns out this medium we use to know each other and become good friends is based solely on faith. I know only what I am told and that is all I can know. I must accept it on faith. And I do. The CLL Forum has become a place I frequent a lot. There is not one person there I have met that I do not like. I will no doubt like them all but I have not yet met them all. I will in time. That is my goal anyway.

I am amazed at the strength of character assembled in one small out of the way place in cyberspace. These are people with cancer. As of right now it is incurable cancer. No one can know the future but many of us have a pretty good idea. Yet the folks are positive and upbeat almost all the time. We laugh together, we weep together, we revel in each other's happiness and we console each other in hard times. We do not question each other's actions or motivations. We simply accept. If I woke up tomorrow and was told we could all be cured but one, I would be that one. Because I could never live in peace with myself if I denied any one of these good people the opportunity to beat this disease.

Indeed, I do love these friends.

Lots of folks think I am a silly old fool. Ok, I admit some do not think me all that silly. What is the harm in having fun in the face of adversity? Damn, I ain't dying crying. Long as I can laugh and joke I will and I will not always care if it is politically correct either. However, I will temper myself to the sensibilities of those whom I know will be offended. I suspect that some have shied from me because I can be a little off the wall and I am almost always flirty with women. I do not mean anything by it. I am content with my life and my wife. But I am sure some see as something else.

I see no point in mourning my own demise before it happens. That is what others will do when I pass. Maybe they won't at all. What will I care anyway? Have a party if you want. I am not vindictive in life and I sure as hell will not be in death. Just do me one favor please. Smile and laugh and hug and kiss those you love. Oh, and guys, don't be kissing the one I love too much at least for a while.

I used to think I was so bad off because of this disease coursing through my veins. But I am not really. I have had a great time here and while if given the choice I would have opted for it never to end, I know that is unrealistic. I do not need 30 more years to leave a mark. My family will remember me and love me. The day will come when they too will pass and we shall meet again. Eventually no one here on earth will remember I was even here. I always thought that was such a shame. It isn't. This is just a detour on the way home. A nice detour at that. The things I have done and seen in my life. Phew, I wouldn't change any of it. I will have to atone for some of my actions but I figure my mistakes have helped me along the way. To say I never made an error would imply I was never in the game. No gold gloves for me I can assure you of that.

By now there are a few folks who have probably bought into my very first statement. There is nothing wrong with me so do not try to fix me. I am just a silly old fool. I am fine with that.

Here is another Light the Night entry that I want to share.

I am walking twice in the Leukemia and Lymphoma Light the Night fund raiser. The first walk was last Saturday.

Please read my blog about it http://ccsnj.org/blogs/jeb.html. I have raised $1550.00 for that walk and $990. so far for the second walk. More later.

Since I am still fund raising you can go to my site and cotribute. http://www.active.com/donate/ltnWestfi/1831_sisterchemist

Thank you sisterchemist.

I am not going to post today but instead I want to bump an old post as the event day is getting ever so much closer. I will do this a couple more times before that date comes.

Light The Night Walk is one of the major fundraisers that the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society (LLS) has each year at many locations around the country. This year's local walk is at the Dell Diamond on October 28, 2006. This is an excerpt from http://www.johncll.blogspot.com/.

Here are some links to the fundraising sites that are also available in John Wagner's blog.

http://www.active.com/donate/ltnSanAn1/1949_jtw890

http://www.active.com/donate/ltnSanAn1/1949_cwagnerLTN6

http://www.active.com/donate/ltnSanAn1/1949_cgrayLTN8

Thank you John and Cheryl.