I am happy, yet I am sad. I am pain-free, yet I ache. I am strong and steady, yet I tremble. I cannot escape death, only life. How will I be remembered? Will it be the things I have said or the things I have done? Either way seems not to bode well for me at this point. I do try. Some might say I do not try hard enough. I want to be a good person, but sometimes I do not question my words or actions the way others do. I am a loose cannon of sorts. I mean no harm, but I know I have caused some. How do I atone for my transgressions? Do apologies matter more than behavioral changes? I have never really worried about being apologized to, what I look for is if the behavior that prompted the apology has changed.

Expressing sorrow seems meaningless if the behavior remains for yet another apology. Am I too critical? Should I be willing to forgive and forget? I can forgive, but forgetting is something I am still working on. When I seek forgiveness I am also seeking acceptance. Not that I want to be accepted as someone that will continue to hurt, but as someone imperfect and willing to admit my shortcomings. I have so many of them. I want to atone for so many things in my life and I am running out of time. We all are. I am a part of the whole, yet I stand alone in the presence of God. I know he is calling me, but I hesitate, make excuses and slowly squander my life or what is left of it. Of what value am I? It seems that if my life does not matter to me then how can I expect it to matter to anyone else.

I am different now. I am slowly changing who and what I am. I have obtained new friends and am attempting to right my ship. I do not blame my old friends for my behavior but as I change we are finding our compatibility is fading quickly. I no longer feel comfortable in the presence of evil and I do not yet feel comfortable in the presence of good. In some ways I feel very alone. Yes, I still have times when my mind will wander into the abyss of human depravity. I am not proud of that fact. But I cannot beat myself up over it either. When my heart completes the change I figure the mind will follow. I can only hope.

If I had a bottle of Scotch here with me, I would not have it long. I suppose that is why I do not have it.

Do not judge me. It is time for me to judge myself.

Why is that we hurt or disappoint those we care about and that care about us? Is it because we can. Is it because they are the most available in our lives. Seems like a bad deal sometimes, but I also recognize this is a function of our imperfection as human beings. Hopefully when we do disappoint someone we love we also disappoint ourselves. I know I do.

I have a couple of friends (I know some of you are already skeptical), but these two friends are at odds about a few things. I hate it. I want to help but I am unsure how without appearing to take sides. Should I assume that if they are my friends they will understand my position? I do not want to create a bad feeling. I purposely do not discuss politics with friends unless I know it is ok to because it seems a good way to lose a friend. Likewise I do not discuss religion with a friend unless I know it is ok to for the same reasons. So when my friend's differences fall into the realm of one of these topics what do I do? I guess I can just hope for one and pray for the other that they work it out. I do not want to lose either one and I certainly do not want to lose both.

Please take care my friends and talk to each other. Reach a compromise and an understanding. I know that is what I want and need from each of you.

Take care and be well.

I will always remember the first time I saw her. She was young and so very cute. I was 22 and she 18, it just seemed we hit it off from the start. I cannot say if it was love at first sight, but I can say it did not take many glances to figure it out. She was very gorgeous and quite a hottie as well, so yes there was certainly a physical component to the attraction, but it was not all there was. We knew each other for a long time before we ever experienced each other in a physical way. I must say, it was the first time in my life that it didn't matter. I enjoyed her company and just being in her presence made me feel alive. Her name is Brenda.

When we first met I had just ended a very bad marriage. Actually it was just a mistake we had made at a young age. I did not hate her nor she me, at least I don't think she did. I was not interested in a relationship when I met Brenda. I did get to know her a bit but I was just content to be alone. She had left home the year or so before that after her mother died. One night I left the bar and was going back to the base (Navy) and I noticed her hitchhiking. I stopped and picked her up and scolded her a little for taking such chances. She told me she had a boyfriend but he was not all that interested in helping her out with rides, so she walked or hitched. I think this is what started our friendship. I tried to make sure she always had a ride home. At least I knew she would be safe with me. I hated taking her home to him though. Seemed he was not treating her with respect and although I did not know her that well, she was not deserving of this treatment. She became attached to me a little more than she ever told me at that time and I was oblivious to her desires even though I did really like her. I knew she had a boyfriend and I was just trying to make sure she was cared for and safe since he seemed uninterested.

I left and went to Florida for 3 years and she wound up getting married and eventually ended up in Wisconsin. When it came time for me to transfer again I had the choice between Charleston, SC., and Groton, CT. I loved Charleston, but I wanted to return to Connecticut and look into some unfinished business. Her husband died in a car accident and she returned to her roots. I went to one of the old hangouts and sure enough I saw her. She looked different. She grew into a beautiful young woman. I never doubted that would be the case. Of course she recognized me right away and she sat with me and we spent the night chatting and catching up on our lives. I asked her to have dinner with me the next evening and she accepted. She ate like a bird though, and she confided much later in life that she didn't want to embarrass herself by eating too much. And all this time I thought she hated Chinese food. That dinner happened on July 19th, 1981. On December 30th, 1982 we were married and that begins a new chapter that I will fill you in on in a later post. It will be 24 years this December and I would like another 24 years even though I am certain that won't happen. I still see that young woman when I look at her, complete with that hot little body. That too would be a separate post, hmmmm, perhaps I'll keep that one to myself.

I love you Baby, always have, always will.

The day was warm. No clouds in the sky, just the bright sun. A gentle breeze, warm, but just enough to evaporate the perspiration and cool the body. A young boy played in the dirt. He wore no shirt, only shorts and sneakers. His mother stood at the clothes line hanging the weeks laundry, watching him play. She loved him and he loved her. She wished she could give him more. He thought he had everything. The woman's husband was off in town looking for work. He had been without a job for several weeks and the money was running low, very low. He had no gas for the car so he walked, walked 15 miles to town looking for an opportunity to work and feed his family. She worried about him. She worried about the boy and his sisters. She prayed her husband would find work. Without warning a young boy about 16 walked up the driveway. Even at such a young age he was worn down by life. He asked the woman if she could spare a glass of ice water. Of course she said yes. He sat on the porch and waited for her. She handed him the glass and sat down beside him and asked him his name. He told her and they talked for a few minutes. This young man had run away from home because he thought his parents too strict. They just did not understand what it was like to be 16. The woman told him that his parents loved him and only wanted to protect him and teach him good values. He reluctantly agreed that perhaps he had been hasty in leaving. She put her arm around his shoulders and asked him if he would like to call his mother and at least let her know he was allright. He smiled and said he would love to hear her voice again. He talked to his mother for an hour and a half. He had a dollar and some change in his pocket and he offered to pay for the call. The woman said no that would not be necessary. She had been saving the last piece of bologna for her husband so that when he went to town the next day he could take a sandwich with him. She offered it to the young man. He said he was very hungry but did not want to put her out. She made him the sandwich and he ate. He said he had not eaten for two days. The young man left as quickly as he arrived. The woman cried when he left and then she prayed for him. Later that night her husband came home with 2 small bags of groceries. He had found a job and asked a grocer to allow him to have credit until the end of the week when he would get his first paycheck. He was walking home with the food and a man gave him a ride so the milk would not spoil. She cried again and thanked God for their good fortune. Would you have thought it good fortune? That woman was my mom, that man my dad. They are gone now, but not forgotten. I did not grow up poor, I was loved.

Light The Night Walk is one of the major fundraisers that the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society (LLS) has each year at many locations around the country. This year's local walk is at the Dell Diamond on October 28, 2006. This is an excerpt from http://www.johncll.blogspot.com/.

Here are some links to the fundraising sites that are also available in John Wagner's blog.

http://www.active.com/donate/ltnSanAn1/1949_jtw890

http://www.active.com/donate/ltnSanAn1/1949_cwagnerLTN6

http://www.active.com/donate/ltnSanAn1/1949_cgrayLTN8

Thank you John and Cheryl.

I have a pet peeve. I have a lot of them actually, but that probably says more about me than the things that peeve me. I suppose the phrase pet peeve trivializes this issue but I am so at a loss for words regarding this problem I do not know what to call it. I know that fighting violence with violence is not the answer, but sometimes I just feel like it should be. Domestic violence is not gender specific, but I want to address the men here since the bulk of this is carried out by them.

Do you hit your wife? Does your wife bear the scars of living a life with you? Do you not love this person? Look at your wife. Are you proud of the blackened swollen eyes, the crooked nose that is the result of the several times you broke it? Surely you are not.

I want to challenge you. Next time you feel the urge to strike her, stop, stop dead in your tracks. Look into her eyes and see the pain and suffering you have caused. Can't see it? Look again because I assure it is there, the rest of us can see it. Slowly and gently raise your hand and softly touch her cheek. Tell her how very sorry you are for what you have done to her, to your marriage. Promise her you will never raise your hand to her in anger again. If you are lucky this woman still loves you and wants nothing more than for you to change and love her the way she wants and needs to be loved. Does this not seem easy to you? From this day forward when you feel that desire to hit her stop and remember you promised her you wouldn't. Be a man. Honor her, cherish her, love her and even spoil her a little bit. And keep your promise!

The statistics(1) for the incidence of domestic violence are staggering. If you are beating your partner I urge you to accept this challenge and I also urge you to seek professional help. If you do not get to the root cause of your behavior this challenge will not solve the problem long term. I am not a trained professional but it does not take an educated person to see how damaging this behavior is to women and also to children. For every son that says he will never treat a woman the way his father treated his mother, there will be at least one that will. And for every daughter that says she will never allow a man to treat her the way her father treated her mother, there will be at least one that will. It must stop right here and now and it must be you that stops it.

(1) http://www.endabuse.org/resources/facts/

I have struggled for many years wondering why I cannot give in to destiny. It seems I have one, I just do not know what it is. Does God exist? It is not clear to me yet if God is an entity or rather a place in my mind that allows me to cope with life. I have met many people whom have given in to the concept of God as an entity. Why can't I? What am I lacking? It must be the ability to have faith. Faith in my fellow man, faith in God, they are both feelings that escape me for some reason. I do not think the human race deplorable, but I do see an awful lot of mean perhaps even evil folks in the world. How that can be? Was I ever one of them? Am I still one of them? I like to think not, but if my understanding is correct that is not good enough. Maybe I am not recognizing God's presence. I do know I am not yet at peace.

I am pleased with the wonder of nature, yet I am in awe of its raw power. Did this all happen by chance? Seems unlikely, but the idea of creation seems almost as unlikely. Do I abandon any and all belief that God exists? Am I to believe that living an exemplar life and treating people with respect is of no value if I do not except God in my heart? Seems unfair. But perhaps not since it is a conscience choice I have made.

Most people of faith I have encountered in my life are terrific people. They are warm, caring, loving and some of the nicest folks on this planet. I like them and sometimes love them. I am inspired by their conviction especially when it seems less and less popular to hold those convictions. Of course there are always exceptions. Those who feel they are justified in their hatred for that which they believe God has given them the right to hate. I do not think God has given any such mandate to anyone. At least that is what I choose to believe.

Do I sound a bit confused to you? You are not alone. Most of my friends accept me as I am, regardless of my beliefs or lack of them. I reciprocate that acceptance. It is possible that one day I will get my answers. I do hope that it is not too late when I get them.

This may sound like a plea for help, but in fact you cannot really help me. This is something I must resolve on my own. Until such time that I reconcile this in my own mind I would ask only for your support. I already know that you will give it to me unconditionally. And that alone just may make all the difference.

I am a bit reticent to post this, but I have decided it is part of who and what I am. Thus I will follow through with it. I know such topics can be divisive and on occasion cause fear and loathing. Sometimes they have caused wars, but that I will leave for another thread.

I welcome comments one way or the other.

Take care and be well.

It is so great to look up old friends from your high school days. You know, just see what they are up to. Of course we all want to see how everyone has changed in the looks department. Well, I finally just got my butt in gear and said I am going to find my friends. So every Saturday night at 9:00 pm I tune in to "America's Most Wanted". I just know they are going to help me find a few of them.

I still am not sure where I want to go with this blog. Do I continue as I have started and offer the reader a wealth of sapient information (hehe), or do I start down the road of diary writing. Maybe I do a little mixture of both.

Today I strolled among the roses, their fragrant perfume filled the air. Roses, so beautiful, so delicate and so fragile, yet capable of inflicting great damage if handled improperly. I am always reminded of my mother when I see or smell roses, she loved them, even named my little sister after them. The beginning of this paragraph is the first line of a song my mom used to sing all the time. The song was written by my dad.

My wife is very strong. Not that she can lift tremendous weight, but strong spiritually and emotionally. She is currently recovering from major surgery. She had a kidney removed because it was not functioning and full of tumors. Luckily, there was no spreading of the cancer into the surrounding tissue. Doctor said in his professional opinion she is cancer free. Yippee. She is getting so much better with each passing day. She looks forward to being able to get out and resume her life again. I look forward to it as well.

She is a petite woman, and at first glance one would think her incapable of taking care of herself. So not true. Do not make the mistake of thinking she is demure. She is very fiesty and her fiery spirit was one of the things that attracted me to her. Of course I find her quite sexy too. She had a tough life as a child and I suppose that being married to me has been no walk in the park either. Her parents were both alcoholics, her father abusive, her mother withdrawn. She has always been very open and easy to talk to. I think that the lack of communication in her childhood home made her very aware of the need to communicate. She is not 25 any more, but then neither am I. She has lines in her face that weren't there when we married, but that does not change what I see. She is beautiful and she can still turn heads. Her exterior is tough, from years of protecting herself, but she will open her heart to whomever she trusts. If she is your friend you will have none better, if she is your enemy you will have none fiercer. I cannot imagine my life without her. I will always believe finding her saved my life. Maybe it wasn't really a coincidence.

I would welcome input. If you got something you would like me to address I will be happy to talk about it. Just keep in mind I may not be "mainstream" in my thinking. What is "mainstream" exactly anyway? Well, I reckon it is what most people would think and that is definitely not me.

I love late summer and early autumn. The night air is crisp and cool, not bone chilling cold but just cool enough to make bare skin get those goosebump things. I like to stand on my back deck and look at the dark night sky. I am fascinated by the moon. I see that old familiar face that my childhood friends and I always looked for when we were out at night. Somehow, he seems older now, as though he has aged with me. Like me he is waning. Five years ago I might not have even noticed him, but my perception has changed these past years. I notice lots of things that I had forgotten from my childhood. The furry creatures in the woods, the beauty of a tree and the wonder of nature in general as I gaze out on this thing we call earth, these things I notice again. I had lost my way, worried about material things, ignoring the spiritual, living only for the physical. Four years ago I was diagnosed with Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia (CLL). From that day on I realized just how precious all these things really are. I worked from 9-5 everyday of my life, rarely took vacations, and just did not keep in touch with the real treasures of life. I did not consider that I neglected my family, but one thing I do now that I always should have done is hug them every day and tell them I love them. I have considered that cancer is not a death sentence for me but instead an awakening. I feel more alive than I have in years. I know it is fleeting but the reality is life is fleeting for everyone. I recently joined a forum http://www.cllforum.com that has given me an opportunity to meet a great many wonderful people that also have CLL. They are supportive, spiritual, and in general the nicest people I have ever had the good fortune to meet. I love them all. It seems such a shame that a terrible disease is most likely the only reason we all know each other. But at the same time, I am very glad to have found them. I do not yet know exactly what I want to do with this blog. Most of the time I will just ramble about what is on my mind. I do not even know yet if I will make an entry every day, but I will always try to keep the interval to less than a week between posts. I welcome comments about the things I write. Say what you feel not what I want to hear. I will do the same. Take care and be well. See ya later.