On my last post I made some accusations that may or may not fall short of the mark. Since a visitor to the blog informed me I was wrong let's see what we can uncover. Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Democratic_Socialists_of_America would seem to support my antagonist, but it also seems quite likely that was written by a lefty as the connection between the two is downplayed however the two sites tend to mirror each other http://www.dsausa.org/dsa.html http://cpc.grijalva.house.gov/. Also if we use the internet wayback machine we find that members of the PC were at one time posted on the DSAUSA website. Do I have absolute proof the people I posted are dues paying members of DSAUSA? No, I do not, but they sure do support the same ideals so in that vein they need to be removed from office. The affiliation matters very little. So, to Anon, I will concede I have no proof they are members but I would appreciate proof to support your claim as well. Perhaps you have a membership role or something that proves me wrong, otherwise your claim is no better than mine given the parallels between the two organizations.

I have been told that it is my desire to use my morals to legislate or dictate to others what they should or should not see, hear, do or be part of. Not true. I have stated repeatedly that the States should decide not the federal government. If state X redefines marriage then so be it. If state Y wants to legalize abortion, so be it. Does not mean I will agree with it, just means I will respect it because therein lies the power. For those of you that think the feds should have this power then it is time to use the system as it was intended. Put forth amendments to the constitution and change our system. That is the only way. Legislation cannot take power from the constitution without amendment. This is one place I differ even from conservative supreme court justices. I do not personally believe in a lifetime appointment of any kind. Too much power is derived from that.

Socialism is a dirty word. Socialism means government controls the people. That is not freedom. Please, someone, point out a Socialist regime, government or governing body that does not make decisions for the people without their consent. Only asking you name one, just one!!! It does not exist BTW. Our political system is bad enough. Dems and Reps are both autrocious and need to be voted out of office. All the Repubs now acting like constitutionalists weren't acting like that when they were in power or when Bush was spending recklessly, so they get no breaks from me. I want them all out and we the people should demand term limits now. How is it that those in favor of a social system do not see forcing people to buy health insurance and then eventually forcing them to adher to certain government standards or be fined sits well with you? Why do you think it is government's right to take money from one and give it to another and do it in the name of justice? Like it or not, I paid into Social Security and Medicare all my working life, so I plan to take back from that system since they took from me. I am terminally ill and will probably not recoup anything near what I paid in. And on top of that I will probably see changes (decreases) in my current benefits . Now before you jump on the "Well, your wife will get it for a long time" bandwagon, she too is terminally ill. Just a run of bad luck, I am not seeking sympathy. I have been suspecting that this new legislation will make it less cost effective to keep us alive. Her medications are through the roof as one of her chemo drugs is $6,000.00 a month. I am perfectly happy with my insurances. I do not want it to change but unfortunately it is going to and that will most likely not bode well for the wife and I.

Recently there has been some rumblings concerning Fox News and whether or not they are objective or biased. Seems the current administration's position is that they unlike all other news agencies are biased and simply a shill for the republications/conservatives, therefore should be ignored by we the people as well as other news agencies. Journalists have long taken the position they are neutral, or so they think. By not taking a side though you display a bias, intended or not, but no less biased. For example, we are a country governed by a constitution, and regardless of your interpretation of that document it is the law of the land. Over the course of many years we have been the leader of the free world and have fought wars over Communism, Socialism, Marxism and Fascism. In each case we stood against these ill-be-gotten systems because they are oppressive and not in keeping with our ideals. If an organization sprung up that was intended to circumvent/overthrow those ideals and that document would that be a story? Would that not be a huge story? We have such an organization trying to undermine our current system in place and thriving as we speak. Perhaps you have heard the MSM mention the "Progressive Party". Ever heard them equate these "progressives" to the Democratic Socialists of America? Doubt it. We currently have 70 members of our legislative body that are members of the DSA. They have their own version of the constitution which I can only assume they hold more allegiance to than the real constitution of this country since they want to implement their version over the current one. This should be a huge story, a government takeover from within, a coup in fact is what it is. We need to be told of these things. So when the current administration starts to appoint anti-capitalists, self-avowed Communists and Marxists and Socialists journalists who are "HONEST" will tell us. But they do not, because so many of them are on the same page with the DSA! And if they are not then they seem to be complacent to let the government be taken over. The MSM will never understand they are the reason no one trusts them anymore. We have ways to find out what they have been sweeping under the table for years. And it goes both ways. Do not provide cover for anyone that is breaking the law or trying to subvert our government.

This is a listing updated April 2009 for the 111th Congress. These people are all members of the DSA and should be immediately removed from office at the earliest election possible. On top of that there are 23 Democrats on the House Judiciary Committee, 11 of them are members of DSA.

Co-Chairs
Hon. Raúl M. Grijalva (AZ-07)
Hon. Lynn Woolsey (CA-06)
Vice Chairs
Hon. Diane Watson (CA-33)
Hon. Sheila Jackson-Lee (TX-18)
Hon. Mazie Hirono (HI-02)
Hon. Dennis Kucinich (OH-10)
Senate Members
Hon. Bernie Sanders (VT)
House Members
Hon. Neil Abercrombie (HI-01)
Hon. Tammy Baldwin (WI-02)
Hon. Xavier Becerra (CA-31)
Hon. Madeleine Bordallo (GU-AL)
Hon. Robert Brady (PA-01)
Hon. Corrine Brown (FL-03)
Hon. Michael Capuano (MA-08)
Hon. André Carson (IN-07)
Hon. Donna Christensen (VI-AL)
Hon. Yvette Clarke (NY-11)
Hon. William “Lacy” Clay (MO-01)
Hon. Emanuel Cleaver (MO-05)
Hon. Steve Cohen (TN-09)
Hon. John Conyers (MI-14)
Hon. Elijah Cummings (MD-07)
Hon. Danny Davis (IL-07)
Hon. Peter DeFazio (OR-04)
Hon. Rosa DeLauro (CT-03)
Rep. Donna F. Edwards (MD-04)
Hon. Keith Ellison (MN-05)
Hon. Sam Farr (CA-17)
Hon. Chaka Fattah (PA-02)
Hon. Bob Filner (CA-51)
Hon. Barney Frank (MA-04)
Hon. Marcia L. Fudge (OH-11)
Hon. Alan Grayson (FL-08)
Hon. Luis Gutierrez (IL-04)
Hon. John Hall (NY-19)
Hon. Phil Hare (IL-17)
Hon. Maurice Hinchey (NY-22)
Hon. Michael Honda (CA-15)
Hon. Jesse Jackson, Jr. (IL-02)
Hon. Eddie Bernice Johnson (TX-30)
Hon. Hank Johnson (GA-04)
Hon. Marcy Kaptur (OH-09)
Hon. Carolyn Kilpatrick (MI-13)
Hon. Barbara Lee (CA-09)
Hon. John Lewis (GA-05)
Hon. David Loebsack (IA-02)
Hon. Ben R. Lujan (NM-3)
Hon. Carolyn Maloney (NY-14)
Hon. Ed Markey (MA-07)
Hon. Jim McDermott (WA-07)
Hon. James McGovern (MA-03)
Hon. George Miller (CA-07)
Hon. Gwen Moore (WI-04)
Hon. Jerrold Nadler (NY-08)
Hon. Eleanor Holmes-Norton (DC-AL)
Hon. John Olver (MA-01)
Hon. Ed Pastor (AZ-04)
Hon. Donald Payne (NJ-10)
Hon. Chellie Pingree (ME-01)
Hon. Charles Rangel (NY-15)
Hon. Laura Richardson (CA-37)
Hon. Lucille Roybal-Allard (CA-34)
Hon. Bobby Rush (IL-01)
Hon. Linda Sánchez (CA-47)
Hon. Jan Schakowsky (IL-09)
Hon. José Serrano (NY-16)
Hon. Louise Slaughter (NY-28)
Hon. Pete Stark (CA-13)
Hon. Bennie Thompson (MS-02)
Hon. John Tierney (MA-06)
Hon. Nydia Velazquez (NY-12)
Hon. Maxine Waters (CA-35)
Hon. Mel Watt (NC-12)
Hon. Henry Waxman (CA-30)
Hon. Peter Welch (VT-AL)
Hon. Robert Wexler (FL-19)

resource:http://www.tysknews.com/Depts/gov_philosophy/dsa_members.htm

Bumps in the Road…

I love to drive. The wife and I love to take off the T-Tops and on one of those late summer evenings jump in the car and go for a ride. Late summer in Connecticut is quite beautiful in the country. There are many "scenic routes" just made for an early evening cruise. The countryside is filled with historic old homes, farms and farm animals dot the landscape and there is always an occasional small town to drive through. The roads are generally well cared for and the sailing is smooth…except for that occasional bump. When it comes, it is unexpected and catches you so off guard that you almost feel like you were asleep at the wheel. But you deal with it and continue the journey and so it is with life.

This past 5 years has been almost surreal for my family. First I was diagnosed with Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia in 2002. After 8 cycles of chemotherapy I went into remission. I have been in remission ever since. That was a bump and we dealt with it and moved on.

A little over a year ago my wife was diagnosed with Renal Cell Carcinoma. In August of 2006 she had her right kidney removed. She was declared cancer free. Although serious, this seemed like just another bump and we were thankful and moved on with life. Within 3 months the cancer returned. And it returned with a vengeance. A tumor was found growing in the incision bed where the kidney was removed. Then it was discovered in the lymph node cluster that stretches across the abdomen. From there it was traced into a lymph node in the chest and lastly a small spot was discovered on her spine. Seemed that our bump had become a real hole in the road.

Treatment was necessary and it was necessary immediately. She received Interleukin-2 (IL-2) which is probably one of if not the hardest treatment options available for cancer. This treatment is so tough that it is not even given to older patients because of the low survivability rates. What this treatment does is supercharge the immune system so that it fights the cancer without the use of other cancer fighting agents. That has a sort of nice ring to it, not having foreign chemical wandering about in the body. The fact is the immune system is a wonderful creation. However, it can also be a source of discomfort and even death if it runs off wildly and uncontrollably. My wife did survive this treatment although she developed Capillary Leak Syndrome (a rare side effect of this treatment) from it and was near death for about 4 days. A lot of prayers and some great hospital care pulled her through it. Unfortunately the IL-2 did not work for her. She is no more cancer free than when she started and in fact the tumor has continued to grow.

Where are we now? I say we, but the fact is I have no clue how heavy this is weighing on her except for what she tells me. We do talk about it but she tries to remain positive and so do I. She is currently taking pain medicines because this cancer is painful especially the tumor area and the stomach nodes. She began taking a drug called Sutent (sunitinib). This drug works by blocking the blood supply to the cancer causing it to lose it's food supply so to speak. It stops growing and in some cases will shrink away. Complete response is rare and partial response is still a good outcome as the patient can live with the dormant cancer for many years. However this becomes a lifelong drug. It is also not cheap, 28 capsules costs $7,900.00. We are certainly hoping for a complete response but a partial response will be welcomed as opposed to no response.

The road has not been as smooth as we would like and it has gotten a little chilly to have the tops off, but bumps or no bumps we will continue the journey…

Change

(or one man's loss is another man's gain)

Changes come to each of our lives. Sometimes we welcome them, sometimes we fight them. In either case most often the changes are outside our control so the latter approach will almost always make the situation worse.

Changes in our personal habits certainly fall into the category of those which are in our control. Maybe we need to be more attentive to other aspects of our lives instead of zeroing in on one particular thing. Perhaps we need to make changes for health reasons, exercise, smoking and/or drinking cessation or even spiritual changes. These changes no matter how personal to you, will almost always have an impact on those around you.

Change is difficult especially for a creature of habit. I sure do fall into that category. I am as habitual as one can get. I take comfort in my routines. Perhaps there is always a fear of failure when faced with the need or desire for change. When I say desire, I mean the changes that impact you and are made by others. Because change is circular changing one's self surely effects change in someone else. That is sometimes the hardest to accept. Maybe it feels like rejection if the change is not agreeable to you, or maybe it seems like more than has been portrayed has changed or even perhaps it feels like the cause for the change is your fault. None or all may be true. It is what makes change so hard. Sometimes the actions of change speak differently to us than the words of change. May only be a perception issue, but nonetheless it seems very real.

When all is said and done all that is really left is trust. Trust that the change is as it has been portrayed. Trust that those around you are not shutting you out if the change involves spending less time with you, but simply a desire on their part to expand, perhaps to include others in their lives or to spend more time at enjoyable activities which may not include you.

I know that in my life I have probably made changes that hurt others even if that was not the intent and of course the opposite is true. But in each case the changes were still made because it was what I wanted or the other person wanted. If we do not pursue that which makes us happy then there seems little point in life. God brings us friends to make us happy and sometimes they are forever and sometimes they are just short stops along our way. How do we know which is which? For me it is what is in my heart. What do I feel for that person above and beyond just incidental or situational friendship? Even forever friends will sometimes part ways and although they may not maintain constant contact they will always call each other friend. And when they meet again it is as though they had seen each other the day before.

I have such friends. And I believe I will have more before my time is up. I can only imagine I have friends right now that will say and will do the same.

I detest change. Guess that is something I need to change.

I apologize for not continuing the story I started but I will get back to it eventually. I have taken time off...again...from my writing and this piece just came to mind for this update. It is short but means a lot to me so I hope you enjoy it.


The first time I held her in my arms I knew I would love her for all my days. Gazing into those beautiful blue eyes was just this side of heaven. Her blonde hair was so soft and her smooth sweet smelling skin was even softer to the touch. Such a beautiful creature she was. A perfect creation made just for me. When God brought her to me He knew I would never hurt her, always cherish her and make her life as comfortable as was within my means to do. I love her more today than I did yesterday but less than I will tomorrow. And so it goes for all time.

She knew early on that all she had to do was look me in the eyes, wrap her arms around my neck and whisper in my ear just what she wanted and it would be hers. Some might say she took advantage of me, but she never asked for more than she knew I could give her. She understood she could not have everything, but she also knew she could have far more than she had ever dreamed simply by asking for it.

We were both young and we grew up together. Many times we walked through the park, hand in hand, sometimes talking and sometimes silent. Words were never all that important, we just liked being together. She had a natural curiosity for nature as did I and we explored the wooded areas near our home. We both loved camping out and spent many a night lying on a blanket watching the stars. We had our whole lives ahead of us. Nothing could stop us.

Time has intervened as it always does. Her blonde hair is not so blonde anymore, but those eyes can still melt me in my tracks. She is still beautiful and we still enjoy a walk together even in silence.

By now you are probably wondering if I took this woman as my wife, but the answer is no. I was already married when I met her. Her mother is my wife.

Sacrifice

I. Where It Started

I am not exactly sure what compels me to tell you this story, except that it is a story that should be told. It is a story about sacrifice, but more importantly it is a story about love. A son's love for his mother.

You will have to forgive me if some of the details are a bit fuzzy, it has been many years and since these are not the events from my life, I will try to fill them in as I remember them. Since this story may be rather long I will most likely break it up into chapters, posting them one at a time maybe two. Not sure at this point how many there will be.

Some 50 plus years ago a male child was born. His name is Paul. Paul is the youngest of 6 children. There was nothing exceptional about his life. A typical family with loving, caring parents and of course many siblings to play and fight with. Pretty normal surroundings as families go.

One fateful night that all changed for Paul and his brothers and sisters. Mom and Dad had taken a night off to relax and enjoy each other's company by having a quiet dinner alone at a local restaurant. Something they liked to do occasionally just to give themselves some free time for just them. I would generally consider that a necessity for a healthy marriage. They loved their children and their life but needed to enjoy one another's company. On the way home they were involved in a terrible accident and neither one survived. Six children left homeless and without their parents. Indeed a grave tragedy.

There was no one to take the children, so they became wards of the State. What happened next was another tragedy in and of itself. There was no place to put them all together. They were sent to various orphanages wherever there was room for them. I suppose it was good that they all had someplace to go and be cared for but splitting them had to be very hard on them since they were all each other had left.

Some were placed together but Paul ended up alone and as the youngest it was a difficult transition for him. He was only three at that time. When Paul first told me this story his memories of this time were a bit faded as one would expect. I myself do not remember much if anything of when I was three years old. Most memories of that time would be false memories made possible by pictures and tales from a parent or sibling. Paul had no such advantage for remembering.

Paul spent 2 years in the care of the State and was moved to several orphanages throughout those two years. Because of the many children that need to be cared for in these places it is difficult to create a loving, nurturing environment for all these children, and although all the children suffer a little because of this the youngest have it the hardest. They really need that time with Mom reading a book and sitting on Dad's lap watching TV.

Coming soon, Chapter II, Changes

The night was chilly and I found myself walking in the dark. No moonlight and the streetlights seemed to be few and far between. Not sure what possessed me to walk in this isolated area at night but something told me not to go home just yet.

As I looked up ahead I noticed a figure in the shadows. I would not say fear gripped me at that moment but I sure did become a little anxious. As I approached the figure stepped into my path and stretched out a hand. Obviously a man, very scruffy beard with hair to match. His clothes were tattered and his face weathered and cracked from what I imagined was constant exposure to the elements.

My first instinct was to reach out my hand as well, but instead I withdrew and walked clear of him. He spoke saying hello and I returned the greeting and kept walking. He called to me wanting to know if he could walk with me. Said he had gotten lost and was afraid that he would be singled out and attacked by hoodlums simply because of what he was. I ignored him and continued on, picking up my pace. After a short distance I looked back to see him disappear back into the shadows. What had I just done? Was it not in my best interest to protect myself? I convinced myself I could have done nothing for him and made my way home.

Two days later I awoke and retrieved my newspaper. As I sat down to my morning coffee I began perusing the paper. I noticed a small article in the police report section that caught my eye. It seemed that some young thugs had beaten up an elderly homeless man, something that seems to be a common occurrence in some sections of town. This one was different though. The street where the man was found just happened to be the very street I had been walking on just two nights earlier. Could it be? Suddenly I felt sick. I read on and the story indicated the man was in County General Hospital in stable but guarded condition. Could I have prevented this? All I had to do was allow him to join me for the short walk I had left. I could have even given him a ride to wherever he needed to go back to once we got back to my place. Or would I be right there with him in the hospital? I had seen no one else that night as I continued the 12 blocks or so to my home.

I had always considered myself a Christian, a man in touch with God, but somehow my heart at that moment seemed very unchristian. God presented me with an opportunity and I dismissed it and justified it by creating unfounded security concerns. I was certain of one thing, I needed to ask God for forgiveness and I had to atone for my actions. I also needed to reevaluate my perception of what it means to be a good Christian.

What exactly does it mean to be good? Is good merely the absence of bad? Sure was beginning to look like good is pure and simple that which is right in the eyes of God and everything else is bad!

I decided I better figure this all out and pretty quick! What better way to really understand what is in my heart than to force myself to reveal it? So I sat out on a mission, not really knowing exactly what it was and almost fearing what I would find out.

Spring rolled around and I began walking more and more, thinking that I needed to meet people and judge my reaction to them based on my initial impression of them. I began wandering aimlessly or so it would appear to an observer and just watched people and their habits. I would occasionally speak to some and some would respond and some would not. No one ever spoke to me first. I suppose the urban environment had much to do with that. One day as I made my way to the park I noticed what appeared to be a homeless man sitting on a bench just watching the people walk by and even sometimes greeting them. He seemed harmless enough, but I noticed that many people had done as I had done several months earlier. They avoided him, perhaps from fear, perhaps from disgust. No way to tell for sure but the latter was more likely than the former.

I observed a young woman and a small girl walk by the old man and he winked at the little girl and made a funny face at her. The child giggled and the woman suddenly became a little indignant and told the little to ignore him. They sat on a bench a short ways from the old man and the little girl ran off to play. Before long I noticed she worked her way over to the old man and sat on the bench, not next to him but at the other end.

My goodness that little girl could talk! She must have asked a hundred questions of the old man in a very short time span. But I noticed he paid close attention to her and answered every one. My thoughts began to turn to danger. Was I being too cautious? It was the middle of the afternoon and there were people everywhere so what could happen? Seemed my own fears still were present and I was so unsure of the need for them.

It did not take long for the young woman to notice that the girl was talking to the old man and she walked briskly and purposefully to the child. She grabbed her by the hand and whisked her away and I heard her tell the girl to stay away from him, because he was a bad man. I also saw the look on the old man's face as I know he heard it as well. Now, I am all for protecting our children but I am not sure she had a right to tell the girl the man was bad. Listen to me, the one that immediately placed the girl in harm's way. What was I discovering about myself? Am I a good person? Do I really love my fellow man as I claim I do? If those were test questions I began to see a failing grade in my future. Actually my present as well.

So how did I differ from the child? She did not seem to feel any danger whatsoever. Was it naïve innocence? Or was she exhibiting true love for people. Trust until there is reason not to. The man was nice to her and she seemed to be enjoying his company. And he was pleasant to her always remaining at his end of the bench and appearing to just enjoy having another human being to talk to. Even if it was a child. I felt shame.

I approached the bench and sat down. We both sat silent for a few awkward minutes when he finally broke the silence with a hearty good afternoon. I turned to look at him and replied but something seemed very familiar about this man. He had some fairly new scars on his forehead and one on his cheek just under the right eye. I could not believe my eyes. I just knew this was the same man I had encountered that night on the empty streets. I did not mention it to him.

I asked how he was doing that day. He actually said he was great. The sun was warm and the gentle breeze felt good on his skin. I thought, how can he feel so good about such a life of misery? After making some small talk for about 15 minutes I asked him if he wanted something to eat. He thanked me but declined. I was shocked actually. He explained that he had plenty of money for food and clothing if he wanted either. He had been lucky enough to have a period in his life where he had an important job and made a good living. But the life of worry and pressure just did not suit him. He opted to sell his home and take to the streets. It turns out this man was very smart, very articulate and very happy with his life, although a bit unkempt. We chatted for about 2 hours and I had to leave. I thought about him later that night and wondered where he was sleeping. Then is struck me, he was sleeping where he wanted to sleep.

We saw each other many times throughout the summer months right there in the park. I had asked him if he wanted to clean up at my place and he declined. Again I was shocked, but then it hit me. He had found happiness regardless of whether it fit my definition or not. Why should I question that? I also asked him if he knew God. He looked at me like I was from another planet. He broke into a smile and said quite forcefully, "Yes indeed I know God!" He placed his hand over his chest and said, "God is right here with me all the time. He directs my every deed, my every thought." Without warning, he blurted out, "I remember you! A dark chilly night many months ago, I asked for your help and you declined to help me. I cannot blame you for your apprehension. I do not appear to be worthy of help. What do you think of what I just said?" I looked at him and said, "Every man is worthy of help. What I did was wrong and I have agonized about it for months wondering how I could atone for my behavior."

He said, "We are friends are we not?" I replied, "Yes, yes we are." His response, "Then you have atoned for it, because I have needed a friend to talk to. As for you and God that is between you two, but He gave you another opportunity and this time you did not squander it. Seems to me that is exactly what He wanted from you. Do not spend one more minute agonizing over the past. You are forgiven and you have learned and grown as a person because of it."

We parted company that day and I could not help but reflect on our conversation. God really does work in mysterious ways. The very situation that caused my anxiety in the first place turned out to be the beginning of God's plan to bring me back to where I belong. And what an awesome journey it was. I had a new friend and did not care what anyone else thought of him. I knew him and that is what counts more than anything else.

We all have lessons to learn in life. Pay attention, God is trying to teach you!!!

The Gift

The man lived alone, no family, very few friends. He had no worldly wealth and did not really want any. He was content to live on the meager salary he was paid digging trenches for a plumbing contractor. There had never been a woman in his life except his mother and she had died two years prior. He missed her and of course his father too.

He always did his weekly grocery shopping at the same store and always went at the same time on Saturday evenings. The store was always quiet and very few people around. He figured everybody was out on the town or home with loved ones so it suited him to go at that time. One evening as he was selecting his items and filling is cart he noticed a woman desperately trying to reach for something on a high shelf. He wondered why the shelves were so high as surely they knew not all the customers would be tall enough to reach them. He offered to give her a hand and she gratefully accepted. After retrieving her item he took notice of the woman's face and appearance. She was quite stunning and impeccably dressed. He could tell she most likely was well off. He felt a little insecure in his work clothes, still dirty from the day's work. His hands were rough and also not as clean as he would have liked for this moment. He handed her the item and she thanked him. He tipped his cap and acknowledged her.

As they continued to shop they seemed to meet in every aisle. She smiled and he returned the smile. He thought what a pleasant woman, someone I'd like to know. But the reality of their differences told him to just keep moving and say nothing just as he had done all his life. He was uneducated, learned about life simply by living it. No knowledge from books, his reading skills were slight at best and he barely made it beyond grade school. He imagined her to be well educated and refined, not someone to whom he could converse with on an intellectual level. It made him a little self-conscious.

In the last aisle the woman asked him for his help once again. He of course was more than happy to help her. He grabbed the item she indicated and he put it into her cart. Again she thanked him and they started to head for the checkout counter. She asked him his name, to which he responded, "Jim". She held out her hand and told him her name was Karen. He hesitated to touch her with his dirty hands and she must have sensed his reluctance. She reached down and grabbed his hand anyway and shook it. She smiled at him and said it was a pleasure to meet him. He told her the pleasure was all his and asked if she lived in the neighborhood as he did. She replied that she did. She told him she had recently moved there because it was close to her doctor. She also told him she was battling a disease that required numerous doctor visits as well as treatment, even perhaps surgery.

His heart sank, and he felt such sorrow for this woman. He noticed no wedding rings and wondered if she was facing this alone. He did not want to pry so he said nothing. He told her that if there was anything he could do for her or help her with she should not hesitate to ask. He was always there at the store every Saturday night at this same time. She smiled and thanked him and told that was kind of him to offer. They paid for their groceries and left.

In the following weeks they met several times at the grocery store always having a kind word to say to each other but nothing more than that. One evening several weeks later he saw her shopping and noticed something was very different about the way she looked. She seemed very tired and very frail and her hair just did not look like her own. He commented to her that he noticed she had changed her hair style and then she told him it was a wig. She had undergone chemotherapy and had lost her hair. He was heartbroken that this woman had to endure such a thing, especially if she was in fact doing it alone. They shopped together this night and talked more than usual. She was so pleasant and her voice so soft and gentle had a certain sorrow in its tone.

He finally got the courage to ask her if she was married and she said no, her husband had passed away several years earlier. She then told him she would be going into the hospital the next week for some tests and possible surgery such that she might not see him next Saturday. She would most likely be home recouping from the surgery. She would most likely have to put off her shopping until later in the week. As they left the store he got an idea, although he was unsure if it was the proper thing to do he decided to follow her to see where she lived. He felt like he was invading her privacy but he wanted to do something for her and thought if he asked she would not tell him and maybe even be frightened. He discreetly followed and wrote the address down then proceeded home. He was sure she did not notice him.

The following Saturday she was not in the store. It was time to set the plan in motion. Having spent time with her he knew some of the things she usually purchased so he pushed two carts that evening and shopped for them both. When he finished he went to the courtesy desk and asked if they had delivery services. Indeed they did so he asked if it was too late to have groceries delivered. He explained the situation to the manager to which he said normally they would not deliver that late but in this case they would make an exception. The man gave him the address and hoped the woman was in fact home resting. The delivery was made.

The following Saturday they met again while shopping and the woman said nothing regarding the incident. He was glad really because he still felt a little guilty about following her to get her address. It seemed better to him if she never knew how and where the groceries came from. He inquired about her hospital stay and subsequent recovery. She explanied all that had occurred and still offered no hint bout the groceries. He felt relieved he had pulled it off. As they left the store that evening she asked him if he had eaten that night and he said no he hadn't. She invited him to her house to have supper with her and said be there at 8:00. He asked if she could give him directions, not wanting her to know he had been there before. She turned to him and winked and said there is no need to pretend. I know you followed me two weeks ago. His face became red and he looked down at the pavement and apologized for doing such a sneaky thing, would she forgive him. She said to him, "I've just invited you to supper, I do not think there is anything to forgive."

These two people from very different walks of life were able to find common ground that bound them together for the remainder of their lives. Compassion, understanding, faith, respect and most importantly love. To love and be loved far outweighs all differences great or small. She recovered completely in the weeks and months ahead and they both provided the companionship that each desired.

The ability to love is God's greatest gift to man. Don't just tell your loved ones you love them, show them.

She was a young woman, barely 26. Her daughter was just turning 5. She had a husband in the Navy. He was away from home a lot as is the way of the Sailors and Soldiers serving their country. She did not have many friends as they had just moved into their tiny apartment and did not know many from the area. This made the upcoming separation from her husband even scarier. She did not like being alone.

Shortly after moving in she noticed a young man delivering newspapers in the area. He was slight, perhaps 12 years old and always had a big smile on his face, no matter how big and heavy his bag of papers. One day she stepped outside to asked him if he would deliver the newspaper to her house and of course he said yes. She asked him his name and if he lived in the neighborhood. He told her his name was Lincoln, but everyone called him Linc and he lived just down the hill.

Linc began delivering the papers and each day the woman would greet him and ask him how he was doing. And each day his response would be the same.

"I am doing fine Ma'am, how are you today?", he would ask. One day she asked him if he had time to eat breakfast before he started delivering his papers and he said no that he would usually wait and eat after he was done. The woman told him her daughter was having her breakfast and he was welcome to come in and join her. He smiled and cheerfully accepted.

He was always very polite and it was obvious to her that his parents were teaching him many admirable traits that would serve him well in life. He was hard working, always polite and respectful and was never without a smile. She asked him about his mother and father and he responded by saying he did not have a father. He lived alone with his mother. She became curious what happened to his father and questioned him. The boy said he never knew his father, he had died at a young age when he was just a baby. His mom never remarried and did not have a boyfriend. She worked at two jobs to make ends meet and most of the time he was home alone. His paper route money helped her to buy his school clothes and gave him a little money for personal use. The woman began to think she was prying to much and ended the questioning and the boy made his way out to complete his paper route, but not before putting his dish in the sink and thanking her for the breakfast.

It seemed that time passed so quickly and before long it was time for the woman's husband to deploy. He packed up his seabag and left for places unknown, at least that was all she was allowed to know. She was so sad that night, she missed him so much and he was going to be gone for 4 long months. No friends, no husband, she cried herself to sleep that night. Military life is not easy for anyone, but it can be very hard for the spouses left behind especially with no friends.

The next morning Linc showed up as he always did and she was happy to see his bright smiling face. She invited him in and he could sense she was not herself today. He asked her if she was ok and she told him of her husband's deployment and that she was just a little sad about it but she would be alright. She had no friends and just needed to get acquainted with some neighbors. He ate some cereal and as he was leaving he smiled a big smile and said to her that his mom did not have many friends either and maybe they could be friends. The woman smiled at him and said that his mother was probably way to busy and she did not want to bother her. He told her that his mother was sad just like she is and he thinks she could really use a friend too. It would be perfect he said to her.

Linc left and continued his route and the woman did not give it much thought. Later in the early evening there was a knock at her door. Linc hollered to her that it was him so she opened the door and there stood Linc with his mother. She was also a slightly built woman with a nice smile and a pretty face. Linc introduced the two women and Linc and his mom came into the house. The two women sat down at the table and got acquainted as Linc went into the living room and played with the little girl.

On that night, these two women from different backgrounds, sharing a common bond began a friendship that would sustain them both for many years to come. Both of them missed their husbands, one would return and one would not. They talked for 4 hours that first night and when the night ended they hugged and Linc and his mother walked home. The young woman still missed her husband very much but she did not cry on this night intead she smiled and thanked God for her new friend. Two days later Linc asked the woman if she and her daughter would come down to his house for dinner that night. She gladly accepted.

The apartment was small, but very much like her own. It was very tidy and tastefully decorated. She noticed a list hanging on the refrigerator and asked her new friend what it was for. Linc's mother told her that was Linc's chore list. It had to be done before he could go out and play during the day. And every box had a check mark in it indicating he had done his chores. The woman began to understand what made Linc who and what he was. He had a loving, caring parent that wanted him to succeed in life and was preparing him for manhood. She looked at her friend and smiled, neither said a word, they both just knew why they were going to be best friends.

Time passed and they stayed in close contact, but it was now time for the woman's husband to return home. When he arrived she told him all about her new friend and how happy she was to have her. She had an idea though, and she asked her husband what he thought. She wanted to have her friend meet one of his friends from the ship. Maybe a double date to help them get acquainted. He said he was not in the matchmaking business but he could recommend a couple of very nice guys she might enjoy spending time with.

And so it came to be that Linc's mom met a few of the woman's husband's friends and decided that one in particular intrigued her. They began dating and slowly developed a romance that culminated in marriage. It was a happy day for both of these women as they shared so much with each other.

As is always the case with military families the time came for the young woman and her husband to leave and go to another duty assignment. The two women spent one last night together talking into the early hours of the morning. They laughed, they cried and they laughed some more. They hugged one last hug and said goodbye.

That was almost 25 years ago and they have stayed in touch although not as frequently as in the beginning but their friendship will last forever. They know each other better than their husband's know them and they will be sisters until the end. Linc is a grown man now with a family of his own and he sends cards and pictures of his wife and kids to this woman and her family. Indeed he was well prepared for his life as a husband and a father.

There is precious little in this world as important as a true and dear friend. Call or write your best friend tonight and tell them you love them and that life without them would never be the same. Do it while there is still an opportunity to do it. Do not let life keep you apart. The heart you save may be your own and just maybe your friend's as well.

See you later friends! I love you! God Bless.

This is an inspirational story I wanted to share with you about some friends of mine. It is written in first person to make it easier to write and read.

Several years ago I was working for a large insurance and investments company in Hartford, CT. I was a member of a small team that administered and maintained the software for state employees 401a and 403b retirement accounts. The job was very enjoyable for me and I liked the team members a great deal. We were a tight group and hung out together even when not working. During the summer months one of my friends and I would always go for a walk around the grounds at lunch time. Seems there were more people outside during lunch than inside. There were about 5000 employees in this one building and the grounds were very well kept so enjoying the walk seemed what everyone did.

One day as my friend and I walked along we happened upon a rather indigent young man. Could have used a shave, most certainly needed a bath and some clean clothes. He asked us if we could spare some change and I had no cash on me after lunch. My friend reached into his pocket and pulled out a handful of coins and extracted a nickel and handed it to the young man. He then made a crude remark to him. I will not repeat it here. The young man took the nickel and put it in his pocket and thanked him and continued on his way.

We also continued to walk and he made a couple more crude remarks and acted as though he were proud of his behavior. I asked him why he felt it necessary to humiliate that kid anymore than he probably already was. He said, "That kid is a loser and will panhandle money up and down the street rather than get a job and I enjoy making him feel embarrassed for what he is doing." We went back to work.

I thought about what had happened for the next week as we walked, but we never saw the young man again. I made sure I always had some money so that if we did see him I could give it to him. One day I walked alone as my friend was off work for personal reasons and I did come across the young man again. He actually recognized me it seemed but passed by me without saying a word. I stopped and turned to him and asked him if he needed anything. He said, "I can always use some change if you have some to spare." I reached into my pocket and handed him a twenty dollar bill. He looked at it and then at me and said, "I cannot take this from you, it is far to much money for you to give me." "Do you need it?", I asked him. Of course he said yes, and started to say something else and I stopped him. I told him, "There is no need to explain any further, if you need it, then use it, if you do not need it then give it to someone who does because it is yours now." He folded the bill and put it in his pocket.

He thanked me about 30 times almost to the point I was getting uncomfortable. I asked him if he remembered me and he indicated he did and he also remembered my friend. I told him I was sorry that my friend had treated him that way. He said not to worry, it was nothing new for him. We made small talk for a few minutes. The young man had a wife and a baby at home and he had not worked in over 9 months. He had no real skills and took odd jobs whenever he could get them. When I saw him that day he was on his way to the manpower office to see about a job. As he walked off I asked him if he would do me a favor. He agreed and I said, "Meet me here tomorrow at about this time if you can." He said he would try his best to be here.

The next day I walked without my friend and sure enough, James met me. I asked him if he had time to walk a ways with me and he said sure. We chatted about nothing in particular until I said to him that I wanted to give him something and it would be without conditions. But I would request a favor which he was not obligated to accept, it was up to him. I gave him a one hundred dollar bill, again he did not want to take it, but I insisted. Before putting it in his pocket he looked at me almost suspiciously and asked me just what the favor would be. "James", I said, "I want you to stop on your way home and buy a razor, then I want you to take your clothes to the laundrymat and then buy food and necessities for your wife and child with the rest." Then tomorrow I want to see you shaven, bathed and with clean clothes ready to find a job." He agreed to do that.

I did not see James the next day, nor the next, in fact I did not see him for two weeks. I was a little disappointed but at the same time I told him my request was not a condition, he was free to choose what he wanted to do, so I decided not to give it another thought. Two weeks later I ran into James and I almost did not recognize him. He was clean shaven, had a nice dress shirt and a tie as well, shined shoes, nice clean pants and he even got a hair cut. He told me he had followed my advice and when he went to manpower the next morning they sent him to a job at a local office supply store just down the street from where I worked. He got the job and loved every minute of it, especially the steady paycheck. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a twenty dollar bill and handed it to me. I told him he really did not have to do that. His exact words were, "I know and that is why I want to." I took the money from him and he went on his way back to work. Over the course of the next year James paid me back the $100 as well.

James and I saw each other almost every day as we walked at lunch time. We would chat and became very good friends considering the difference in our ages. He was a very nice young man and I even met his wife and baby. I have not seen James in several years now, but I just know he is doing fine. I pray he is.

Believers and non-believers. It is the age old battle between God and Satan, good and evil. I mean not to imply that non-believers are the devil incarnate nor do I make any claim that believers are living saints. God's children do works in His name. It is not a secret. They are open and forthright about it. Those that are doing Satan's bidding however are shrouded in secrecy. They make no claim to doing the devil's work. If they are confronted they will act as though you are crazy. This is what is so insidious about Satan. He cannot make his mission known or he will surely lose his flock.

Just for the sake of argument let's establish a scenario. There is no God, no Satan, no heaven and no hell. We are simply the product of years of evolution born out of a cloud of hydrogen or some pool of bubbling muck. I wonder where the cloud of hydrogen or the pool of muck came from? But I digress. This scenario is just begging for hope. There seems to be none. In the end the lives of those that believe and the lives of those that do not believe will just end and no one will know the difference. On top of that no one's life and death has been impacted in any way. You are born, you die. That which comes in between seems to matter very little.

Now if we flip that scenario we will see that there is great danger for a portion of the population. I guess the bottom line is this. If you are a non-believer and you are right then religion and God can have no impact on your eternal life. This will also have no affect on the believers either. You will both live different lives that is all. If as a non-believer you are wrong, then the ramifications are tremendous and certainly not worth the risk. It serves no purpose if your words express a value for life, but your actions risk losing eternal life. Now I will not believe.

A man once told me that exposing my children to God was tantamount to child abuse and I was not fit to be a parent. By exposing my children I have done no harm, only good. By not exposing them I could not have lived with the harm I could have caused. They can make their own choice but I must provide them those choices.

I talked to God today. I have talked to him on a daily basis now for several weeks. I used to talk to him many years ago but I always thought he wasn't listening. I would ask for this and I would ask for that, but I never got those things I asked for. I kept waiting for some resounding words to fill my head. Just something to let me know he was there. I never heard any words.

It was not long ago that I finally decided I would try again. Only this time I asked only for understanding. Once I figured out the mind was not God's point of entry and opened my heart to him, it was then that I knew Him. I knew he was there, is here. He is listening. He helped me understand something that was weighing very heavy on my heart. Most all of us want to live forever and of course we want our loved ones to enjoy that same immortality. We know that is not going to happen. It can be so devastating to lose a loved one, but equally hard is the thought of losing a dear friend. I have such friends. I have contemplated how I will handle losing them some day because I know I will lose some of them before I myself go. And go I will. God helped me to understand why I need not worry about his children when they go. As for my own grief it will be mixed with happiness because I will know they are with Him and waiting for me to come home. And the reunion will be divine.

I have been told that I am wrong, about God that is. Some have even accused me of being insane because I believe in Him. I like to think of it as being crazy. Crazy about God. He is my savior and I will never deny Him again. Life is precious to me but it pales in comparison to my salvation.

My sins are forgiven. Yes they still happened, but they only have meaning when judging me as a man of this world. He has forgiven me and I now live my life, not in perfection, but striving each day to shed my past and live as God wants me to live. I never thought I could do this. I did not think myself worthy. God knew I was struggling and he sent his messenger to guide me, just that little nudge that I needed to make the effort one more time. I made it this time. I will forever carry that messenger in my heart. Without this person I might never have tried and I know God knew that when he put us together.

Life is good but the best is yet to come.

Have you talked to God today?

Do you suppose that if you polled a thousand people on "What does friendship mean to you?" that you would get the same answer from everyone? I would bet that while there may be some differences in the responses you could almost count on way more similarities. What is it about friendship that makes it possess universal qualities? Is it because of its close proximity to love? I love my wife, that is one thing. I love my children, that is another. I love my sisters, still another. Do I have friends I love? Sure I do. I have friends that I hold so dear to my heart that they might as well be my family. In a way they are.

I have a new family. No, I did not get rid of the one I already have. I just expanded a bit. I wrote in an earlier post about a forum I joined recently, the CLL Forum. I have never in my life seen so many wonderful people in one place. There are men and women, CLLers and caregivers, Republicans and Democrats, liberals and conservatives, older folks and younger folks, religious and not so religious and brown, black, and white. Not one of these differences means anything because each and every one of them has a common thread that binds them to the others. 900+ people all sharing their lives with one another. Most have never met, not in person. A few here and there have had opportunities to meet but it is far more rare than it should be.

I also wrote something in an earlier post regarding faith and the fact that I was unsure if I possessed faith in my fellow man. As it turns out this medium we use to know each other and become good friends is based solely on faith. I know only what I am told and that is all I can know. I must accept it on faith. And I do. The CLL Forum has become a place I frequent a lot. There is not one person there I have met that I do not like. I will no doubt like them all but I have not yet met them all. I will in time. That is my goal anyway.

I am amazed at the strength of character assembled in one small out of the way place in cyberspace. These are people with cancer. As of right now it is incurable cancer. No one can know the future but many of us have a pretty good idea. Yet the folks are positive and upbeat almost all the time. We laugh together, we weep together, we revel in each other's happiness and we console each other in hard times. We do not question each other's actions or motivations. We simply accept. If I woke up tomorrow and was told we could all be cured but one, I would be that one. Because I could never live in peace with myself if I denied any one of these good people the opportunity to beat this disease.

Indeed, I do love these friends.

Lots of folks think I am a silly old fool. Ok, I admit some do not think me all that silly. What is the harm in having fun in the face of adversity? Damn, I ain't dying crying. Long as I can laugh and joke I will and I will not always care if it is politically correct either. However, I will temper myself to the sensibilities of those whom I know will be offended. I suspect that some have shied from me because I can be a little off the wall and I am almost always flirty with women. I do not mean anything by it. I am content with my life and my wife. But I am sure some see as something else.

I see no point in mourning my own demise before it happens. That is what others will do when I pass. Maybe they won't at all. What will I care anyway? Have a party if you want. I am not vindictive in life and I sure as hell will not be in death. Just do me one favor please. Smile and laugh and hug and kiss those you love. Oh, and guys, don't be kissing the one I love too much at least for a while.

I used to think I was so bad off because of this disease coursing through my veins. But I am not really. I have had a great time here and while if given the choice I would have opted for it never to end, I know that is unrealistic. I do not need 30 more years to leave a mark. My family will remember me and love me. The day will come when they too will pass and we shall meet again. Eventually no one here on earth will remember I was even here. I always thought that was such a shame. It isn't. This is just a detour on the way home. A nice detour at that. The things I have done and seen in my life. Phew, I wouldn't change any of it. I will have to atone for some of my actions but I figure my mistakes have helped me along the way. To say I never made an error would imply I was never in the game. No gold gloves for me I can assure you of that.

By now there are a few folks who have probably bought into my very first statement. There is nothing wrong with me so do not try to fix me. I am just a silly old fool. I am fine with that.

Here is another Light the Night entry that I want to share.

I am walking twice in the Leukemia and Lymphoma Light the Night fund raiser. The first walk was last Saturday.

Please read my blog about it http://ccsnj.org/blogs/jeb.html. I have raised $1550.00 for that walk and $990. so far for the second walk. More later.

Since I am still fund raising you can go to my site and cotribute. http://www.active.com/donate/ltnWestfi/1831_sisterchemist

Thank you sisterchemist.

I am not going to post today but instead I want to bump an old post as the event day is getting ever so much closer. I will do this a couple more times before that date comes.

Light The Night Walk is one of the major fundraisers that the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society (LLS) has each year at many locations around the country. This year's local walk is at the Dell Diamond on October 28, 2006. This is an excerpt from http://www.johncll.blogspot.com/.

Here are some links to the fundraising sites that are also available in John Wagner's blog.

http://www.active.com/donate/ltnSanAn1/1949_jtw890

http://www.active.com/donate/ltnSanAn1/1949_cwagnerLTN6

http://www.active.com/donate/ltnSanAn1/1949_cgrayLTN8

Thank you John and Cheryl.

I am happy, yet I am sad. I am pain-free, yet I ache. I am strong and steady, yet I tremble. I cannot escape death, only life. How will I be remembered? Will it be the things I have said or the things I have done? Either way seems not to bode well for me at this point. I do try. Some might say I do not try hard enough. I want to be a good person, but sometimes I do not question my words or actions the way others do. I am a loose cannon of sorts. I mean no harm, but I know I have caused some. How do I atone for my transgressions? Do apologies matter more than behavioral changes? I have never really worried about being apologized to, what I look for is if the behavior that prompted the apology has changed.

Expressing sorrow seems meaningless if the behavior remains for yet another apology. Am I too critical? Should I be willing to forgive and forget? I can forgive, but forgetting is something I am still working on. When I seek forgiveness I am also seeking acceptance. Not that I want to be accepted as someone that will continue to hurt, but as someone imperfect and willing to admit my shortcomings. I have so many of them. I want to atone for so many things in my life and I am running out of time. We all are. I am a part of the whole, yet I stand alone in the presence of God. I know he is calling me, but I hesitate, make excuses and slowly squander my life or what is left of it. Of what value am I? It seems that if my life does not matter to me then how can I expect it to matter to anyone else.

I am different now. I am slowly changing who and what I am. I have obtained new friends and am attempting to right my ship. I do not blame my old friends for my behavior but as I change we are finding our compatibility is fading quickly. I no longer feel comfortable in the presence of evil and I do not yet feel comfortable in the presence of good. In some ways I feel very alone. Yes, I still have times when my mind will wander into the abyss of human depravity. I am not proud of that fact. But I cannot beat myself up over it either. When my heart completes the change I figure the mind will follow. I can only hope.

If I had a bottle of Scotch here with me, I would not have it long. I suppose that is why I do not have it.

Do not judge me. It is time for me to judge myself.

Why is that we hurt or disappoint those we care about and that care about us? Is it because we can. Is it because they are the most available in our lives. Seems like a bad deal sometimes, but I also recognize this is a function of our imperfection as human beings. Hopefully when we do disappoint someone we love we also disappoint ourselves. I know I do.

I have a couple of friends (I know some of you are already skeptical), but these two friends are at odds about a few things. I hate it. I want to help but I am unsure how without appearing to take sides. Should I assume that if they are my friends they will understand my position? I do not want to create a bad feeling. I purposely do not discuss politics with friends unless I know it is ok to because it seems a good way to lose a friend. Likewise I do not discuss religion with a friend unless I know it is ok to for the same reasons. So when my friend's differences fall into the realm of one of these topics what do I do? I guess I can just hope for one and pray for the other that they work it out. I do not want to lose either one and I certainly do not want to lose both.

Please take care my friends and talk to each other. Reach a compromise and an understanding. I know that is what I want and need from each of you.

Take care and be well.

I will always remember the first time I saw her. She was young and so very cute. I was 22 and she 18, it just seemed we hit it off from the start. I cannot say if it was love at first sight, but I can say it did not take many glances to figure it out. She was very gorgeous and quite a hottie as well, so yes there was certainly a physical component to the attraction, but it was not all there was. We knew each other for a long time before we ever experienced each other in a physical way. I must say, it was the first time in my life that it didn't matter. I enjoyed her company and just being in her presence made me feel alive. Her name is Brenda.

When we first met I had just ended a very bad marriage. Actually it was just a mistake we had made at a young age. I did not hate her nor she me, at least I don't think she did. I was not interested in a relationship when I met Brenda. I did get to know her a bit but I was just content to be alone. She had left home the year or so before that after her mother died. One night I left the bar and was going back to the base (Navy) and I noticed her hitchhiking. I stopped and picked her up and scolded her a little for taking such chances. She told me she had a boyfriend but he was not all that interested in helping her out with rides, so she walked or hitched. I think this is what started our friendship. I tried to make sure she always had a ride home. At least I knew she would be safe with me. I hated taking her home to him though. Seemed he was not treating her with respect and although I did not know her that well, she was not deserving of this treatment. She became attached to me a little more than she ever told me at that time and I was oblivious to her desires even though I did really like her. I knew she had a boyfriend and I was just trying to make sure she was cared for and safe since he seemed uninterested.

I left and went to Florida for 3 years and she wound up getting married and eventually ended up in Wisconsin. When it came time for me to transfer again I had the choice between Charleston, SC., and Groton, CT. I loved Charleston, but I wanted to return to Connecticut and look into some unfinished business. Her husband died in a car accident and she returned to her roots. I went to one of the old hangouts and sure enough I saw her. She looked different. She grew into a beautiful young woman. I never doubted that would be the case. Of course she recognized me right away and she sat with me and we spent the night chatting and catching up on our lives. I asked her to have dinner with me the next evening and she accepted. She ate like a bird though, and she confided much later in life that she didn't want to embarrass herself by eating too much. And all this time I thought she hated Chinese food. That dinner happened on July 19th, 1981. On December 30th, 1982 we were married and that begins a new chapter that I will fill you in on in a later post. It will be 24 years this December and I would like another 24 years even though I am certain that won't happen. I still see that young woman when I look at her, complete with that hot little body. That too would be a separate post, hmmmm, perhaps I'll keep that one to myself.

I love you Baby, always have, always will.

The day was warm. No clouds in the sky, just the bright sun. A gentle breeze, warm, but just enough to evaporate the perspiration and cool the body. A young boy played in the dirt. He wore no shirt, only shorts and sneakers. His mother stood at the clothes line hanging the weeks laundry, watching him play. She loved him and he loved her. She wished she could give him more. He thought he had everything. The woman's husband was off in town looking for work. He had been without a job for several weeks and the money was running low, very low. He had no gas for the car so he walked, walked 15 miles to town looking for an opportunity to work and feed his family. She worried about him. She worried about the boy and his sisters. She prayed her husband would find work. Without warning a young boy about 16 walked up the driveway. Even at such a young age he was worn down by life. He asked the woman if she could spare a glass of ice water. Of course she said yes. He sat on the porch and waited for her. She handed him the glass and sat down beside him and asked him his name. He told her and they talked for a few minutes. This young man had run away from home because he thought his parents too strict. They just did not understand what it was like to be 16. The woman told him that his parents loved him and only wanted to protect him and teach him good values. He reluctantly agreed that perhaps he had been hasty in leaving. She put her arm around his shoulders and asked him if he would like to call his mother and at least let her know he was allright. He smiled and said he would love to hear her voice again. He talked to his mother for an hour and a half. He had a dollar and some change in his pocket and he offered to pay for the call. The woman said no that would not be necessary. She had been saving the last piece of bologna for her husband so that when he went to town the next day he could take a sandwich with him. She offered it to the young man. He said he was very hungry but did not want to put her out. She made him the sandwich and he ate. He said he had not eaten for two days. The young man left as quickly as he arrived. The woman cried when he left and then she prayed for him. Later that night her husband came home with 2 small bags of groceries. He had found a job and asked a grocer to allow him to have credit until the end of the week when he would get his first paycheck. He was walking home with the food and a man gave him a ride so the milk would not spoil. She cried again and thanked God for their good fortune. Would you have thought it good fortune? That woman was my mom, that man my dad. They are gone now, but not forgotten. I did not grow up poor, I was loved.

Light The Night Walk is one of the major fundraisers that the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society (LLS) has each year at many locations around the country. This year's local walk is at the Dell Diamond on October 28, 2006. This is an excerpt from http://www.johncll.blogspot.com/.

Here are some links to the fundraising sites that are also available in John Wagner's blog.

http://www.active.com/donate/ltnSanAn1/1949_jtw890

http://www.active.com/donate/ltnSanAn1/1949_cwagnerLTN6

http://www.active.com/donate/ltnSanAn1/1949_cgrayLTN8

Thank you John and Cheryl.

I have a pet peeve. I have a lot of them actually, but that probably says more about me than the things that peeve me. I suppose the phrase pet peeve trivializes this issue but I am so at a loss for words regarding this problem I do not know what to call it. I know that fighting violence with violence is not the answer, but sometimes I just feel like it should be. Domestic violence is not gender specific, but I want to address the men here since the bulk of this is carried out by them.

Do you hit your wife? Does your wife bear the scars of living a life with you? Do you not love this person? Look at your wife. Are you proud of the blackened swollen eyes, the crooked nose that is the result of the several times you broke it? Surely you are not.

I want to challenge you. Next time you feel the urge to strike her, stop, stop dead in your tracks. Look into her eyes and see the pain and suffering you have caused. Can't see it? Look again because I assure it is there, the rest of us can see it. Slowly and gently raise your hand and softly touch her cheek. Tell her how very sorry you are for what you have done to her, to your marriage. Promise her you will never raise your hand to her in anger again. If you are lucky this woman still loves you and wants nothing more than for you to change and love her the way she wants and needs to be loved. Does this not seem easy to you? From this day forward when you feel that desire to hit her stop and remember you promised her you wouldn't. Be a man. Honor her, cherish her, love her and even spoil her a little bit. And keep your promise!

The statistics(1) for the incidence of domestic violence are staggering. If you are beating your partner I urge you to accept this challenge and I also urge you to seek professional help. If you do not get to the root cause of your behavior this challenge will not solve the problem long term. I am not a trained professional but it does not take an educated person to see how damaging this behavior is to women and also to children. For every son that says he will never treat a woman the way his father treated his mother, there will be at least one that will. And for every daughter that says she will never allow a man to treat her the way her father treated her mother, there will be at least one that will. It must stop right here and now and it must be you that stops it.

(1) http://www.endabuse.org/resources/facts/

I have struggled for many years wondering why I cannot give in to destiny. It seems I have one, I just do not know what it is. Does God exist? It is not clear to me yet if God is an entity or rather a place in my mind that allows me to cope with life. I have met many people whom have given in to the concept of God as an entity. Why can't I? What am I lacking? It must be the ability to have faith. Faith in my fellow man, faith in God, they are both feelings that escape me for some reason. I do not think the human race deplorable, but I do see an awful lot of mean perhaps even evil folks in the world. How that can be? Was I ever one of them? Am I still one of them? I like to think not, but if my understanding is correct that is not good enough. Maybe I am not recognizing God's presence. I do know I am not yet at peace.

I am pleased with the wonder of nature, yet I am in awe of its raw power. Did this all happen by chance? Seems unlikely, but the idea of creation seems almost as unlikely. Do I abandon any and all belief that God exists? Am I to believe that living an exemplar life and treating people with respect is of no value if I do not except God in my heart? Seems unfair. But perhaps not since it is a conscience choice I have made.

Most people of faith I have encountered in my life are terrific people. They are warm, caring, loving and some of the nicest folks on this planet. I like them and sometimes love them. I am inspired by their conviction especially when it seems less and less popular to hold those convictions. Of course there are always exceptions. Those who feel they are justified in their hatred for that which they believe God has given them the right to hate. I do not think God has given any such mandate to anyone. At least that is what I choose to believe.

Do I sound a bit confused to you? You are not alone. Most of my friends accept me as I am, regardless of my beliefs or lack of them. I reciprocate that acceptance. It is possible that one day I will get my answers. I do hope that it is not too late when I get them.

This may sound like a plea for help, but in fact you cannot really help me. This is something I must resolve on my own. Until such time that I reconcile this in my own mind I would ask only for your support. I already know that you will give it to me unconditionally. And that alone just may make all the difference.

I am a bit reticent to post this, but I have decided it is part of who and what I am. Thus I will follow through with it. I know such topics can be divisive and on occasion cause fear and loathing. Sometimes they have caused wars, but that I will leave for another thread.

I welcome comments one way or the other.

Take care and be well.

It is so great to look up old friends from your high school days. You know, just see what they are up to. Of course we all want to see how everyone has changed in the looks department. Well, I finally just got my butt in gear and said I am going to find my friends. So every Saturday night at 9:00 pm I tune in to "America's Most Wanted". I just know they are going to help me find a few of them.

I still am not sure where I want to go with this blog. Do I continue as I have started and offer the reader a wealth of sapient information (hehe), or do I start down the road of diary writing. Maybe I do a little mixture of both.

Today I strolled among the roses, their fragrant perfume filled the air. Roses, so beautiful, so delicate and so fragile, yet capable of inflicting great damage if handled improperly. I am always reminded of my mother when I see or smell roses, she loved them, even named my little sister after them. The beginning of this paragraph is the first line of a song my mom used to sing all the time. The song was written by my dad.

My wife is very strong. Not that she can lift tremendous weight, but strong spiritually and emotionally. She is currently recovering from major surgery. She had a kidney removed because it was not functioning and full of tumors. Luckily, there was no spreading of the cancer into the surrounding tissue. Doctor said in his professional opinion she is cancer free. Yippee. She is getting so much better with each passing day. She looks forward to being able to get out and resume her life again. I look forward to it as well.

She is a petite woman, and at first glance one would think her incapable of taking care of herself. So not true. Do not make the mistake of thinking she is demure. She is very fiesty and her fiery spirit was one of the things that attracted me to her. Of course I find her quite sexy too. She had a tough life as a child and I suppose that being married to me has been no walk in the park either. Her parents were both alcoholics, her father abusive, her mother withdrawn. She has always been very open and easy to talk to. I think that the lack of communication in her childhood home made her very aware of the need to communicate. She is not 25 any more, but then neither am I. She has lines in her face that weren't there when we married, but that does not change what I see. She is beautiful and she can still turn heads. Her exterior is tough, from years of protecting herself, but she will open her heart to whomever she trusts. If she is your friend you will have none better, if she is your enemy you will have none fiercer. I cannot imagine my life without her. I will always believe finding her saved my life. Maybe it wasn't really a coincidence.

I would welcome input. If you got something you would like me to address I will be happy to talk about it. Just keep in mind I may not be "mainstream" in my thinking. What is "mainstream" exactly anyway? Well, I reckon it is what most people would think and that is definitely not me.

I love late summer and early autumn. The night air is crisp and cool, not bone chilling cold but just cool enough to make bare skin get those goosebump things. I like to stand on my back deck and look at the dark night sky. I am fascinated by the moon. I see that old familiar face that my childhood friends and I always looked for when we were out at night. Somehow, he seems older now, as though he has aged with me. Like me he is waning. Five years ago I might not have even noticed him, but my perception has changed these past years. I notice lots of things that I had forgotten from my childhood. The furry creatures in the woods, the beauty of a tree and the wonder of nature in general as I gaze out on this thing we call earth, these things I notice again. I had lost my way, worried about material things, ignoring the spiritual, living only for the physical. Four years ago I was diagnosed with Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia (CLL). From that day on I realized just how precious all these things really are. I worked from 9-5 everyday of my life, rarely took vacations, and just did not keep in touch with the real treasures of life. I did not consider that I neglected my family, but one thing I do now that I always should have done is hug them every day and tell them I love them. I have considered that cancer is not a death sentence for me but instead an awakening. I feel more alive than I have in years. I know it is fleeting but the reality is life is fleeting for everyone. I recently joined a forum http://www.cllforum.com that has given me an opportunity to meet a great many wonderful people that also have CLL. They are supportive, spiritual, and in general the nicest people I have ever had the good fortune to meet. I love them all. It seems such a shame that a terrible disease is most likely the only reason we all know each other. But at the same time, I am very glad to have found them. I do not yet know exactly what I want to do with this blog. Most of the time I will just ramble about what is on my mind. I do not even know yet if I will make an entry every day, but I will always try to keep the interval to less than a week between posts. I welcome comments about the things I write. Say what you feel not what I want to hear. I will do the same. Take care and be well. See ya later.