Bumps in the Road…

I love to drive. The wife and I love to take off the T-Tops and on one of those late summer evenings jump in the car and go for a ride. Late summer in Connecticut is quite beautiful in the country. There are many "scenic routes" just made for an early evening cruise. The countryside is filled with historic old homes, farms and farm animals dot the landscape and there is always an occasional small town to drive through. The roads are generally well cared for and the sailing is smooth…except for that occasional bump. When it comes, it is unexpected and catches you so off guard that you almost feel like you were asleep at the wheel. But you deal with it and continue the journey and so it is with life.

This past 5 years has been almost surreal for my family. First I was diagnosed with Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia in 2002. After 8 cycles of chemotherapy I went into remission. I have been in remission ever since. That was a bump and we dealt with it and moved on.

A little over a year ago my wife was diagnosed with Renal Cell Carcinoma. In August of 2006 she had her right kidney removed. She was declared cancer free. Although serious, this seemed like just another bump and we were thankful and moved on with life. Within 3 months the cancer returned. And it returned with a vengeance. A tumor was found growing in the incision bed where the kidney was removed. Then it was discovered in the lymph node cluster that stretches across the abdomen. From there it was traced into a lymph node in the chest and lastly a small spot was discovered on her spine. Seemed that our bump had become a real hole in the road.

Treatment was necessary and it was necessary immediately. She received Interleukin-2 (IL-2) which is probably one of if not the hardest treatment options available for cancer. This treatment is so tough that it is not even given to older patients because of the low survivability rates. What this treatment does is supercharge the immune system so that it fights the cancer without the use of other cancer fighting agents. That has a sort of nice ring to it, not having foreign chemical wandering about in the body. The fact is the immune system is a wonderful creation. However, it can also be a source of discomfort and even death if it runs off wildly and uncontrollably. My wife did survive this treatment although she developed Capillary Leak Syndrome (a rare side effect of this treatment) from it and was near death for about 4 days. A lot of prayers and some great hospital care pulled her through it. Unfortunately the IL-2 did not work for her. She is no more cancer free than when she started and in fact the tumor has continued to grow.

Where are we now? I say we, but the fact is I have no clue how heavy this is weighing on her except for what she tells me. We do talk about it but she tries to remain positive and so do I. She is currently taking pain medicines because this cancer is painful especially the tumor area and the stomach nodes. She began taking a drug called Sutent (sunitinib). This drug works by blocking the blood supply to the cancer causing it to lose it's food supply so to speak. It stops growing and in some cases will shrink away. Complete response is rare and partial response is still a good outcome as the patient can live with the dormant cancer for many years. However this becomes a lifelong drug. It is also not cheap, 28 capsules costs $7,900.00. We are certainly hoping for a complete response but a partial response will be welcomed as opposed to no response.

The road has not been as smooth as we would like and it has gotten a little chilly to have the tops off, but bumps or no bumps we will continue the journey…

Change

(or one man's loss is another man's gain)

Changes come to each of our lives. Sometimes we welcome them, sometimes we fight them. In either case most often the changes are outside our control so the latter approach will almost always make the situation worse.

Changes in our personal habits certainly fall into the category of those which are in our control. Maybe we need to be more attentive to other aspects of our lives instead of zeroing in on one particular thing. Perhaps we need to make changes for health reasons, exercise, smoking and/or drinking cessation or even spiritual changes. These changes no matter how personal to you, will almost always have an impact on those around you.

Change is difficult especially for a creature of habit. I sure do fall into that category. I am as habitual as one can get. I take comfort in my routines. Perhaps there is always a fear of failure when faced with the need or desire for change. When I say desire, I mean the changes that impact you and are made by others. Because change is circular changing one's self surely effects change in someone else. That is sometimes the hardest to accept. Maybe it feels like rejection if the change is not agreeable to you, or maybe it seems like more than has been portrayed has changed or even perhaps it feels like the cause for the change is your fault. None or all may be true. It is what makes change so hard. Sometimes the actions of change speak differently to us than the words of change. May only be a perception issue, but nonetheless it seems very real.

When all is said and done all that is really left is trust. Trust that the change is as it has been portrayed. Trust that those around you are not shutting you out if the change involves spending less time with you, but simply a desire on their part to expand, perhaps to include others in their lives or to spend more time at enjoyable activities which may not include you.

I know that in my life I have probably made changes that hurt others even if that was not the intent and of course the opposite is true. But in each case the changes were still made because it was what I wanted or the other person wanted. If we do not pursue that which makes us happy then there seems little point in life. God brings us friends to make us happy and sometimes they are forever and sometimes they are just short stops along our way. How do we know which is which? For me it is what is in my heart. What do I feel for that person above and beyond just incidental or situational friendship? Even forever friends will sometimes part ways and although they may not maintain constant contact they will always call each other friend. And when they meet again it is as though they had seen each other the day before.

I have such friends. And I believe I will have more before my time is up. I can only imagine I have friends right now that will say and will do the same.

I detest change. Guess that is something I need to change.

I apologize for not continuing the story I started but I will get back to it eventually. I have taken time off...again...from my writing and this piece just came to mind for this update. It is short but means a lot to me so I hope you enjoy it.


The first time I held her in my arms I knew I would love her for all my days. Gazing into those beautiful blue eyes was just this side of heaven. Her blonde hair was so soft and her smooth sweet smelling skin was even softer to the touch. Such a beautiful creature she was. A perfect creation made just for me. When God brought her to me He knew I would never hurt her, always cherish her and make her life as comfortable as was within my means to do. I love her more today than I did yesterday but less than I will tomorrow. And so it goes for all time.

She knew early on that all she had to do was look me in the eyes, wrap her arms around my neck and whisper in my ear just what she wanted and it would be hers. Some might say she took advantage of me, but she never asked for more than she knew I could give her. She understood she could not have everything, but she also knew she could have far more than she had ever dreamed simply by asking for it.

We were both young and we grew up together. Many times we walked through the park, hand in hand, sometimes talking and sometimes silent. Words were never all that important, we just liked being together. She had a natural curiosity for nature as did I and we explored the wooded areas near our home. We both loved camping out and spent many a night lying on a blanket watching the stars. We had our whole lives ahead of us. Nothing could stop us.

Time has intervened as it always does. Her blonde hair is not so blonde anymore, but those eyes can still melt me in my tracks. She is still beautiful and we still enjoy a walk together even in silence.

By now you are probably wondering if I took this woman as my wife, but the answer is no. I was already married when I met her. Her mother is my wife.

Sacrifice

I. Where It Started

I am not exactly sure what compels me to tell you this story, except that it is a story that should be told. It is a story about sacrifice, but more importantly it is a story about love. A son's love for his mother.

You will have to forgive me if some of the details are a bit fuzzy, it has been many years and since these are not the events from my life, I will try to fill them in as I remember them. Since this story may be rather long I will most likely break it up into chapters, posting them one at a time maybe two. Not sure at this point how many there will be.

Some 50 plus years ago a male child was born. His name is Paul. Paul is the youngest of 6 children. There was nothing exceptional about his life. A typical family with loving, caring parents and of course many siblings to play and fight with. Pretty normal surroundings as families go.

One fateful night that all changed for Paul and his brothers and sisters. Mom and Dad had taken a night off to relax and enjoy each other's company by having a quiet dinner alone at a local restaurant. Something they liked to do occasionally just to give themselves some free time for just them. I would generally consider that a necessity for a healthy marriage. They loved their children and their life but needed to enjoy one another's company. On the way home they were involved in a terrible accident and neither one survived. Six children left homeless and without their parents. Indeed a grave tragedy.

There was no one to take the children, so they became wards of the State. What happened next was another tragedy in and of itself. There was no place to put them all together. They were sent to various orphanages wherever there was room for them. I suppose it was good that they all had someplace to go and be cared for but splitting them had to be very hard on them since they were all each other had left.

Some were placed together but Paul ended up alone and as the youngest it was a difficult transition for him. He was only three at that time. When Paul first told me this story his memories of this time were a bit faded as one would expect. I myself do not remember much if anything of when I was three years old. Most memories of that time would be false memories made possible by pictures and tales from a parent or sibling. Paul had no such advantage for remembering.

Paul spent 2 years in the care of the State and was moved to several orphanages throughout those two years. Because of the many children that need to be cared for in these places it is difficult to create a loving, nurturing environment for all these children, and although all the children suffer a little because of this the youngest have it the hardest. They really need that time with Mom reading a book and sitting on Dad's lap watching TV.

Coming soon, Chapter II, Changes

The night was chilly and I found myself walking in the dark. No moonlight and the streetlights seemed to be few and far between. Not sure what possessed me to walk in this isolated area at night but something told me not to go home just yet.

As I looked up ahead I noticed a figure in the shadows. I would not say fear gripped me at that moment but I sure did become a little anxious. As I approached the figure stepped into my path and stretched out a hand. Obviously a man, very scruffy beard with hair to match. His clothes were tattered and his face weathered and cracked from what I imagined was constant exposure to the elements.

My first instinct was to reach out my hand as well, but instead I withdrew and walked clear of him. He spoke saying hello and I returned the greeting and kept walking. He called to me wanting to know if he could walk with me. Said he had gotten lost and was afraid that he would be singled out and attacked by hoodlums simply because of what he was. I ignored him and continued on, picking up my pace. After a short distance I looked back to see him disappear back into the shadows. What had I just done? Was it not in my best interest to protect myself? I convinced myself I could have done nothing for him and made my way home.

Two days later I awoke and retrieved my newspaper. As I sat down to my morning coffee I began perusing the paper. I noticed a small article in the police report section that caught my eye. It seemed that some young thugs had beaten up an elderly homeless man, something that seems to be a common occurrence in some sections of town. This one was different though. The street where the man was found just happened to be the very street I had been walking on just two nights earlier. Could it be? Suddenly I felt sick. I read on and the story indicated the man was in County General Hospital in stable but guarded condition. Could I have prevented this? All I had to do was allow him to join me for the short walk I had left. I could have even given him a ride to wherever he needed to go back to once we got back to my place. Or would I be right there with him in the hospital? I had seen no one else that night as I continued the 12 blocks or so to my home.

I had always considered myself a Christian, a man in touch with God, but somehow my heart at that moment seemed very unchristian. God presented me with an opportunity and I dismissed it and justified it by creating unfounded security concerns. I was certain of one thing, I needed to ask God for forgiveness and I had to atone for my actions. I also needed to reevaluate my perception of what it means to be a good Christian.

What exactly does it mean to be good? Is good merely the absence of bad? Sure was beginning to look like good is pure and simple that which is right in the eyes of God and everything else is bad!

I decided I better figure this all out and pretty quick! What better way to really understand what is in my heart than to force myself to reveal it? So I sat out on a mission, not really knowing exactly what it was and almost fearing what I would find out.

Spring rolled around and I began walking more and more, thinking that I needed to meet people and judge my reaction to them based on my initial impression of them. I began wandering aimlessly or so it would appear to an observer and just watched people and their habits. I would occasionally speak to some and some would respond and some would not. No one ever spoke to me first. I suppose the urban environment had much to do with that. One day as I made my way to the park I noticed what appeared to be a homeless man sitting on a bench just watching the people walk by and even sometimes greeting them. He seemed harmless enough, but I noticed that many people had done as I had done several months earlier. They avoided him, perhaps from fear, perhaps from disgust. No way to tell for sure but the latter was more likely than the former.

I observed a young woman and a small girl walk by the old man and he winked at the little girl and made a funny face at her. The child giggled and the woman suddenly became a little indignant and told the little to ignore him. They sat on a bench a short ways from the old man and the little girl ran off to play. Before long I noticed she worked her way over to the old man and sat on the bench, not next to him but at the other end.

My goodness that little girl could talk! She must have asked a hundred questions of the old man in a very short time span. But I noticed he paid close attention to her and answered every one. My thoughts began to turn to danger. Was I being too cautious? It was the middle of the afternoon and there were people everywhere so what could happen? Seemed my own fears still were present and I was so unsure of the need for them.

It did not take long for the young woman to notice that the girl was talking to the old man and she walked briskly and purposefully to the child. She grabbed her by the hand and whisked her away and I heard her tell the girl to stay away from him, because he was a bad man. I also saw the look on the old man's face as I know he heard it as well. Now, I am all for protecting our children but I am not sure she had a right to tell the girl the man was bad. Listen to me, the one that immediately placed the girl in harm's way. What was I discovering about myself? Am I a good person? Do I really love my fellow man as I claim I do? If those were test questions I began to see a failing grade in my future. Actually my present as well.

So how did I differ from the child? She did not seem to feel any danger whatsoever. Was it naïve innocence? Or was she exhibiting true love for people. Trust until there is reason not to. The man was nice to her and she seemed to be enjoying his company. And he was pleasant to her always remaining at his end of the bench and appearing to just enjoy having another human being to talk to. Even if it was a child. I felt shame.

I approached the bench and sat down. We both sat silent for a few awkward minutes when he finally broke the silence with a hearty good afternoon. I turned to look at him and replied but something seemed very familiar about this man. He had some fairly new scars on his forehead and one on his cheek just under the right eye. I could not believe my eyes. I just knew this was the same man I had encountered that night on the empty streets. I did not mention it to him.

I asked how he was doing that day. He actually said he was great. The sun was warm and the gentle breeze felt good on his skin. I thought, how can he feel so good about such a life of misery? After making some small talk for about 15 minutes I asked him if he wanted something to eat. He thanked me but declined. I was shocked actually. He explained that he had plenty of money for food and clothing if he wanted either. He had been lucky enough to have a period in his life where he had an important job and made a good living. But the life of worry and pressure just did not suit him. He opted to sell his home and take to the streets. It turns out this man was very smart, very articulate and very happy with his life, although a bit unkempt. We chatted for about 2 hours and I had to leave. I thought about him later that night and wondered where he was sleeping. Then is struck me, he was sleeping where he wanted to sleep.

We saw each other many times throughout the summer months right there in the park. I had asked him if he wanted to clean up at my place and he declined. Again I was shocked, but then it hit me. He had found happiness regardless of whether it fit my definition or not. Why should I question that? I also asked him if he knew God. He looked at me like I was from another planet. He broke into a smile and said quite forcefully, "Yes indeed I know God!" He placed his hand over his chest and said, "God is right here with me all the time. He directs my every deed, my every thought." Without warning, he blurted out, "I remember you! A dark chilly night many months ago, I asked for your help and you declined to help me. I cannot blame you for your apprehension. I do not appear to be worthy of help. What do you think of what I just said?" I looked at him and said, "Every man is worthy of help. What I did was wrong and I have agonized about it for months wondering how I could atone for my behavior."

He said, "We are friends are we not?" I replied, "Yes, yes we are." His response, "Then you have atoned for it, because I have needed a friend to talk to. As for you and God that is between you two, but He gave you another opportunity and this time you did not squander it. Seems to me that is exactly what He wanted from you. Do not spend one more minute agonizing over the past. You are forgiven and you have learned and grown as a person because of it."

We parted company that day and I could not help but reflect on our conversation. God really does work in mysterious ways. The very situation that caused my anxiety in the first place turned out to be the beginning of God's plan to bring me back to where I belong. And what an awesome journey it was. I had a new friend and did not care what anyone else thought of him. I knew him and that is what counts more than anything else.

We all have lessons to learn in life. Pay attention, God is trying to teach you!!!