I am happy, yet I am sad. I am pain-free, yet I ache. I am strong and steady, yet I tremble. I cannot escape death, only life. How will I be remembered? Will it be the things I have said or the things I have done? Either way seems not to bode well for me at this point. I do try. Some might say I do not try hard enough. I want to be a good person, but sometimes I do not question my words or actions the way others do. I am a loose cannon of sorts. I mean no harm, but I know I have caused some. How do I atone for my transgressions? Do apologies matter more than behavioral changes? I have never really worried about being apologized to, what I look for is if the behavior that prompted the apology has changed.

Expressing sorrow seems meaningless if the behavior remains for yet another apology. Am I too critical? Should I be willing to forgive and forget? I can forgive, but forgetting is something I am still working on. When I seek forgiveness I am also seeking acceptance. Not that I want to be accepted as someone that will continue to hurt, but as someone imperfect and willing to admit my shortcomings. I have so many of them. I want to atone for so many things in my life and I am running out of time. We all are. I am a part of the whole, yet I stand alone in the presence of God. I know he is calling me, but I hesitate, make excuses and slowly squander my life or what is left of it. Of what value am I? It seems that if my life does not matter to me then how can I expect it to matter to anyone else.

I am different now. I am slowly changing who and what I am. I have obtained new friends and am attempting to right my ship. I do not blame my old friends for my behavior but as I change we are finding our compatibility is fading quickly. I no longer feel comfortable in the presence of evil and I do not yet feel comfortable in the presence of good. In some ways I feel very alone. Yes, I still have times when my mind will wander into the abyss of human depravity. I am not proud of that fact. But I cannot beat myself up over it either. When my heart completes the change I figure the mind will follow. I can only hope.

If I had a bottle of Scotch here with me, I would not have it long. I suppose that is why I do not have it.

Do not judge me. It is time for me to judge myself.